10 Lessons learned during my 4-trimester pregnancy in Africa

10 Lessons learned during my 4-trimester pregnancy in Africa

I started writing this blog post on December 4, 2015. I had given myself a 2 weeks challenge to publish 5 blog posts, and read 6 books, during those first 2 weeks of my maternity leave, and 2 weeks before my due date… Little did I know that I would have no time to relax and write during those weeks, and even less when I gave birth.

Image source: Unknown to me, from Tumblr 

The last 7 months postpartum have been a roller-coaster ride, and while I have written a lot about the different episodes of new-motherhood on my Facebook profile, I never got to share my pregnancy experience. And, just as there is a scarcity of written narratives from African women on giving birth, and on the first months of first motherhood, there is just as little content, on the details and things to expect or not during pregnancy. While the experience of pregnant women is more similar than different across the globe, it is important, I think, to have multiple written narratives from a diversity of women — particularly in Africa. I remember that, even when I took advice from websites such as babybump, babycenter, and all the other popular forums, I still wanted to know how my friends/sisters/colleagues in Cameroon experienced their pregnancies here. My narrative here, disguised as a “Top-ten list” seeks to provide an additional testimony on the experience of first time pregnancy and first time motherhood. 

 As you would imagine, with pregnancy related topics, my “Top-10 lesson learned” will have many details on body transformations, body processes, and body things. To some, it might sound like Too Much Information (TMI), but you know, it’s impossible to genuinely speak about pregnancy without TMI. Lol. So, enjoy my Top-10 lessons learned during my “4-trimester” pregnancy, and while pregnant in Africa.

Lesson #1: Every Pregnancy is Different,

 in other words (i.o.w) how to scratch out your idea of a “Pregnancy Manual”

While you might learn a thing or two from my experience, please, do not box yourself in my story. Do not start comparing what is better or not. Take your pregnancy as your own. I know it’s easier heard than done, but please try. During the first weeks of my pregnancy, I went through a lot of anxiety because I would compare my experience (that was actually smooth), with what I had heard from other women, or seen on TV about pregnancy.
In every single movie I had watched, the first sign of pregnancy that movie directors chose to show was: A woman sprinting to the restroom to throw up in the toilet. With that image in mind, after I had a 1 week delay in my period, I didn’t imagine it was pregnancy; after the mild cold that I had, I still didn’t connect the dots. I thought, if I’m pregnant, I will throw up at some point. Two weeks passed, my period had still not showed up, and I kept feeling coldish/feverish. That morning, 2 weeks after missing my period, I told hubby on our way to work : we have to take the pregnancy test. He came home during lunch break with two different brands of pregnancy tests (both test kits that you could take at any time of the day). I took them to the bathroom, did the peeing-on-the-stick, and guess what? The color rolled down to the 2 lines as I was peeing on the stick: the result appeared instantly! Instead of me being excited about it, I thought: uhhmmm…usually in movies, the actresses wait for 3-to-5 minutes to have the results, why is mine appearing instantly? The result is probably inaccurate. I told hubby I needed to take a second test. Drank half a bottle of water, and 30 minutes later I was ready to test myself a second time. Second time around, same thing happened: Instant result. Not even a 5 seconds wait! Still then, I didn’t want to believe that the way two different sticks were functioning were correct. I thought, there must be a problem. I told hubby we have to do a final test the next morning, this time, with my first pee of the day. That afternoon, I bought a new test kit (the one that needs to be taken with the first morning pee). Took the test in the morning, and guess what? Instant result! That’s when I allowed myself to fully embrace the news, and to happily announce it to my hubby.
That was just one of a dozen examples of how I was overly cautious and anxious during my pregnancy, because I compared my relatively smooth experiences to worse case scenarios, or at best, to the ones I thought were part of “the Pregnancy Manual.”

Some other symptoms of pregnancy that I didn’t experience were: I never had constipation, I never ate for 2 (my servings were even smaller than the food I currently eat, while nursing), I had no back ache (the back ache came intensely 2 months after delivery, and was intense for 1 month, but when I resumed sports, it disappeared), I had no huge craving (My hubby thanked me for not being one of many pregnant women who send their hubbies to buy them things at 3:00a.m. lol!), and I just had mild nausea.

The symptoms I did experience though, were: SWOLLEN feet, afternoon (not morning) sickness, pregnancy face mask (came a little late — around 7 months), a sharp mind (with all those magnesium supplements), then mild memory loss (I felt like Dory in Finding Nemo), and I had extremely vivid (an often bizarre) dreams, and nightmares that felt like virtual reality.

Back to my point though, instead of being thankful for the stress-free evolution of my pregnancy, during the first 3 to 4 months, I was anxious because I was unsure why my pregnancy was unfolding so effortlessly. I kept thinking, “why am I not constipated? Is anything wrong with me? With the baby?” And, when coupled to that you have some people in your life, who add the fuel to your worries, your level of anxiety spikes. I remember people asking me these questions and making these statements :“Oh, how are you not having cravings? Are you sure the baby is okay?” or “you think you won’t have a pregnancy mask, wait… even if it’s to come for 2 days at the end, it will come,” or “my friend was not feeling any pregnancy symptom, then she went for her 2nd ultrasound and discovered the baby’s heart was not beating.” You don’t need to be pregnant to understand that comments like that makes things in the mind of the mommy-to-be even more disturbing.
My advice to pregnancy bystanders: Be positive, or shut up.
This leads to the next lesson:

Lesson #2: Do not allow sad story-tellers and Google-doctors to affect your mood. i.o.w How to shut down the naysayers and negative forums.

I remember, after I had kept my pregnancy announcement till I hit the 14 weeks mark(when I solidly entered into my 2nd “cool” trimester), I had told a friend I was expecting. From that moment, each time I would meet her she would narrate a sad pregnancy story: “I have a friend who had a miscarriage at 4 months.” Then I passed the 4 months mark, the new story was about a cousin of hers who had a miscarriage at 6 months. Still, when I would be positive, she would remind me “girl, you are never fully safe oh. Be careful.” At one point I told her, “Honey, I might understand that you might want me to be cautious, but honestly, it’s not helpful. The day you will be pregnant, you will understand how that feels to have someone constantly reminding you how your pregnancy can go sour. It is stories like yours that disturb pregnant women.” From then on, she understood — or perhaps she was just scared of Karma. When pregnant, we must try our very best to protect our child from the negative vibes that are created when we (the mothers) are feeling or receiving negativity. 

 I remember my boss had given me a valuable piece of advice, after I had taken a day off from work (the only day off I had ever taken). On that morning during my 16th week (about 4 months), as soon as I woke up I spent an hour on google to know “why do I have 2 to 3 bowel movements per day instead of constipation while pregnant?” (the kinda questions I ask Google), I discovered theories for all kinds of diseases associated with bowel movement. The information was piling in my head, but was also weighing down on my spirit. I felt so overwhelmed! I got ready for work, and on my way out of the room to the living room, probably due to the change in my demeanor, my hubby intercepted me in the doorway and asked “Babe, are you okay?” It seems like that was the cue I needed to break down and cry. You know the kind of crying with nose leaking, head aching, body shaking? I was sobbing. Hubby was eyes wide open, mouth dropped, “what is going on? Did I do something wrong? What is wrong?” He actually called into work for me, and told my supervisor and boss that I need to take a day off. They understood. The next day, my boss Merlyn (who still had fresh memories of giving birth a year prior to that) told me “Olivia, during this period, you have to guard yourself from dis-empowering news. Surround yourself with positiveness. Don’t allow the negative stories get to you. Whosoever wants to tell you a case of pregnancy-gone-wrong, tell them “thank you, I don’t want to know. I am enjoying my pregnancy.” Cut it out. Cut it out girl!” That advice was so valuable! That, plus my husband pulling-me-out of my relapses into addictive preggo-forums, helped me actively refuse to integrate or even listen to negative stories here and there.

Stay focused on the positive sisters!

Lesson #3: Everyone wants to be your teacher. i.o.w : how to dodge the “sabi-all”.

I don’t know what makes every single person who walks on planet earth feel entitled to lecture you when you are pregnant. Taxi drivers, cashiers, lawyers, teachers, guards, students… everyone wants to have a say, or a “to do” in your pregnancy journey. While I understand that people want to be helpful and provide tips, I think the way it is done sometimes here in Cameroon, is annoyingly paternalistic:

There was this time during my pregnancy when I went to the ‘callbox’ lady in front of my house, to quickly buy some milk and sugar for the house. I asked her to give me a tin of powder milk and a box of sugar. While fetching for those things, she told me “You know, when pregnant, you should avoid milk and sugar, it’s not good for you.” In my head, I was wondering ‘where is this coming from?” I just decided to say “thanks” and leave. But I kept thinking, “does she even know what I will do with these? Does she want to know who the milk and sugar is for? Or is she just trying to say something?”

The same advice-dropping happened to me while in the office, I was walking slowly while writing an SMS; a colleague who saw me from the back scurried towards me... 

• My Colleague: “Olivia my dear, you know, you should not let pregnancy weaken you. Don’t carry your pregnancy like a dead weight, walk with a leap, as you usually do. Don’t drag yourself.” 
• Me: “uhmm… I was looking at something on my phone, and walking slowly because of that. I am actually fine, I don’t feel the weight of this pregnancy,” 
• My colleague: “I’m just saying, just stay bright and smart.”
• Me: “Okaaay, thanks.” 

Mind you, she was speaking to a pregnant woman who exercised until the day before her delivery, climbing the 30+ staircase of her apartment building without a gasp, and who gained barely 9.5 kgs (21 Ibs). Now, how did my colleague think she was giving a constructive advice to someone for whom it wasn’t relevant?
The 3rd example of this “sabi-all” (know it all) teachers happened with one of my aunts. She lectured me on how I should be eating vegetables at night, and not be eating too much during the day, if not, I will amass too much pregnancy weight. While that was a valid point, she didn’t try to know if I was already doing that or not. That’s the frustrating part about the Pregnancy sabi-all advice-droppers: People start talking to you as if you are a baby who can’t respond. They would tell you “do this, and that;” never ever attempting to know if you are already “doing it” or if the advice they gave you was valid for you or not.
At the end of my pregnancy, I might not have mastered how to handle the self-proclaimed pregnancy coaches, but what I ended up doing was to cut it short early on in the conversation. #KThanksBye

Lesson #4: No touching belly without permission, 

i.o.w. how to slap “les mains balladeuses” /wandering hands.

I must say, I am lucky to have experienced this only twice. Still, both times, it felt super weird. I had read this from stories other pregnant women, so during my pregnancy, I was apprehending those ‘undisciplined wandering hands’! The first time it happened to me, I was about 5 months pregnant (the bump was not very visible yet). The teen girl friend of mine touched my belly, and I instantly slapped her hands. I didn’t think about it, it was just an impulsive reaction. I laughed it off, “hahaha, sweetie, keep your hands to yourself.” The 2nd time it happened, I was about 8 months preggo, and a friend of mine who saw my bump from far, came towards me from the side, she sent her hands right on my belly while congratulating me. I grabbed her hands into mine, and smiled “thank you. Thank you”, while pushing her hands away.

30 weeks pregnant

In those instances, I understood what so many pregnant women have said before “when people go right on to touch your belly, without asking your permission, it is as if they were touching your boobs, without asking you.” The level of trespassing of intimacy is comparable because during pregnancy, and even before pregnancy, the belly is not one of those body areas (like your arms/hands/face/back) that people can just touch informally.

Lesson #5: There is Life in you! Sacred, precious life in you.

That transformation process happening in you though: from the zygote, to embryo, to fetus, then baby, remains the most beautiful miracle of life. While going through that process, you discover that the organs in your body move sideways, upwards, and downwards, to make room for the uterus to expand. Then, the force of God works in its perfection. You don’t ask for your body to do anything, and you don’t need to do anything for that divine process of human creation to keep working. In fact, during my first trimester I didn’t eat much — I lost 2.5 kgs (5.5 pounds), and I worried that the baby wouldn’t receive the necessary nutrients to live. My doctor told me “the baby will develop in you whether you eat or not. It will eat on your internal resources. The folic acid, magnesium, and calcium supplements you take is for you — the mother — if you don’t take them, the baby will eat up all the store you have in your body, and you will have deficiencies of all those nutrients.” God makes that life in you grow from vessel-less spirit, to cells, blood, bone structure, eyes, hands, into a human being. It is such a privilege to co-create with God. To be that incubator of life. It’s an amazing experience! It reminds me of the bible verse that states “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart.” Jeremiah 1:6.

7.5 months pregnant

And while the baby is in the womb, you can have an idea of who/how your baby is. At least, the soul and spirit of your child; you feel it. When your baby is in your belly, you know what kind of person the baby is at the core. Mine was a gentle, understanding, and compassionate soul. I could tell he loved me so much, my little gentleman. A good boy, who would cool down when I asked him to. Who played in the womb, but never made me feel uncomfortable. Who was reactive to my emotions, and laughed when I laughed. Calmed down when I tried to cool down stressful emotions; and when I would worry in my thoughts if he’s okay in there, he would bump me (as if he read my mind), so I know all is well. There is a connection we have with our babies in the womb that I just can’t find the right words to explain. We are one, literally. We are a community. We are a team! It is sacred. It is a sacred place. It is a sacred experience.

I read a book that changed my perception on babies. It said something like, when we conceive, God sends to the father and mother, a spirit that chooses them as parents. A spirit that chooses to be hosted by them. All we are (parents) are vessels of that spirit, and stewards of that gift from God. The spirit is not ours. It doesn’t belong to us. The spirit in that fetus, that becomes a baby, belongs to God. And our role as the parent, is to nurture that spirit to become a good person, who would be conscious of their spiritual nature. That perspective gave me a different way to approach and embrace my pregnancy, and my baby. I had so much gratitude, because he — baby Josh — chose me and my husband as his parents. It further made me realize that, at the end of the day, we are all spiritual beings, and we have the possibility to reconnect with our godly selves, every single one of us, because that’s where we started our adventurous journey on this earth. And because of that revelation, I love human beings much more after this pregnancy, than before.

Lesson #6: Try not to make your pregnancy an exclusive club for 2. i.o.w. how to involve your significant other, and family (if possible).

4.5 months pregnant. At home with family. 

Well, pregnancy is already inherently a club for 2. Just don’t try to keep it exclusive; especially when you have a significant other, and caring family members. I would like to stress on the partner part here. Our significant others: the hubbies, the baby-daddies, the boyfriends, the partners; whether in a legal relationship or not, I think need to be involved during the process. It makes them more likely to be better fathers, when they discover the human being, in their image, after months of mystery.

5 months pregnant.  Outing with hubby.

       When you go to that first ultrasound with your man, it is one of the most memorable, real and powerful first memory of your child. That first sound of the steady and powerful heartbeat (after weeks of worrying if the baby is okay, alive, growing, normal?) is like a long awaited answer to prayers — even if you never prayed for a baby. (I actually didn’t pray for a baby. We weren’t planning to have a kid so early in our marriage, but we also weren’t trying not to have one, lol. At the same time, hearing the testimonies of so many women who tried having babies, I didn’t think the baby would pop in so effortlessly.) But at that moment, during that first ultrasound, even if I had taken the fact that I conceived and my first trimester for granted, when the doctor glided her ultrasound-stick on my belly, the images on the screen were unclear, but then the sound, the rough sound of the liquid in my womb cleared out bit by bit to give way to that steady, amplified, heartbeat. I shouted “thank you God! Thank you God!” The gratitude I had for this gift, this gift of life, this life in me, this 2nd heartbeat in me, the gratitude at that moment, could only be understood by my hubby, who held my hand so tight, as he looked at the screen, listened to that sound, then looked at me in the eyes, and we smiled at each other with our eyes watery. We knew, we understood what we both felt at that moment: This is real, this is happening, this is wonderful, this is miraculous, this is mighty, this is part of me mixed with part of you, this is OUR child. When you experience that together, when the father is present, it plants in him the seed of a solid relationship with you and with his child.
To strengthen that relationship, I remember my father had encouraged hubby to speak to our baby by talking through my bump. So every evening and morning, Charlie would chat with Josh. He would speak to him about his day, about the love we have for him, about the hope we have for him, etc. Babies hear our voices and when they come out of the belly, they remember those voices. I have seen when the baby is fussy, once Charlie starts talking to him, singing to him, or praising him, Josh would calm down and listen carefully to his dad. While with me, he might need to breastfeed or have a pacifier to calm down; with Charlie, he calms down with the sound of his voice. I find it so magical each time it happens!


Lesson #7 : Don’t fall into the guilt trip of people questioning your decisions. i.o.w. how to brush off the people who feel “entitled” to know about your pregnancy.

This happened to me a lot. I was entering in the middle of my 2nd trimester, and still working myself around the anxiety I had during the first trimester of this new phenomenon in my life, when a friend perceived I was pregnant, and became snappy because I had not told her about it. So many people reacted in this way, as if I was supposed to pick up my phone, call them and tell them “Hey! I am pregnant.” Don’t get me wrong though, I did make a one-on-one announcement to my closest family and inner circle friends, but I didn’t feel comfortable calling everyone to “announce” I was pregnant, nor publicly doing it on social media (and even if that is not a norm in today’s age, that was my choice). With retrospect, however, I understand why many people felt entitled to know my personal life, because somehow with social media, people feel they are part of your entourage, whereas they could simply be virtual friends, who haven’t penetrated that inner circle of intimacy you keep with your friends and family.

People don’t understand that, for someone’s first pregnancy (and perhaps subsequent ones) it is such an intimate and unknown experience that the mommy-to-be needs to be at ease to announce the news, if she chooses to do so. Just like with during the period of my engagement, I chose to live my pregnancy with my close family, and with whomever physically saw me. This was a personal choice that I didn’t want to justify to anyone, and even less, to apologize for. Many people who know me, probably 90% of the people who know me, actually learned that I gave birth 3 days after D-day. It’s the same method I used with my marriage. It’s on the day of my wedding that social media knew I was getting married. The people who needed to know beforehand did. I think people should respect people’s decisions when it comes to announcing or revealing personal decisions and experiences in their lives.
The worst part is that, for those who even knew about my pregnancy early on , when I was — say, 4 months; what difference did it make? None at all. I remember thinking, okay, this one was aware of my pregnancy since I was 4 months, but I’ve never received a phone call from him/her, I’ve never received a personal message of encouragement about my pregnancy or baby from him/her, I have never had a visit from him/her, I’ve probably not received a prayer from him/her… So, why do some people get offended to not have been in the know? I realized I have no time for curious-cats who have nothing to do with my life’s evolution, than just to add it to their pile of general-knowledge. 

 In Cameroon, for one, in the general culture, people actually don’t announce that they are pregnant. You just see it. That’s what is commonly said, “you will see when the time comes.” So you rarely know someone is pregnant until their bump becomes very prominent in the 6th month. But with our globalization/modernization, my generation is often caught in between cultures. Some go all out announcing to the world, others don’t say a thing at all to anyone. I kinda did half of both extremes: My close family and friends knew, my coworkers knew, and all those who physically saw me saw.

8 months pregnant - outing with family

Whatever your choice is, at the end of the day, people should respect that. If someone who is not personal tries to take your decision personal, try your best to brush it off, or tell them this (in your best African accent): “You want to know and then what? You were going to know earlier, and what were you going to do about it? Whether you knew it at 2 months, 5 months, 8 months, Or after, what different would it have added to my life? or even yours?”

Lesson #8: Find yourself your “Merlyn Calderon-Schultz." i.o.w. how to surround yourself with a positive/motivating/ helpful/loving recently pregnant woman.

8 months pregnant - baby shower at work . 

That’s the only term I could think of to explain the “Merlyn Schultz” effect during my pregnancy. Many people who have read my scribbles as a new mommy, have probably seen me thanking Merlyn, probably half-a-dozen of times in different posts I write. It is still not enough to express the gratitude I have to her, and to God — for bringing her to my life — as my boss — during this life transforming period. Her presence in my life during the 9 months of my pregnancy was a clear sign to me that God is the master planner of my life, and that all things happen for my good, because He’s intentional. Because Merlyn had given birth one year before I conceived (give or take a few days), when I was going through my pregnancy, her experience was still very fresh in her mind, and she had the resources, advice, and goodies to help me through that process. 

 As my boss, I appreciated the fact that she treated me intellectually just the same as before pregnancy. That means that, when it was crunch time, and when my supervisor was out of office, I had to do both my work and hers; when we had deliverables on project proposals, travel plans, and more — I had to deliver the items on my to-do list. When the work load amplified after various events in the country, I had to work just as hard as everyone else in the office. She motivated me through it all; and mostly appreciated each of results I produced from my hard work. 

 *While she was objective and demanding with the workload, I appreciated that she gave me a break on my physical load: she gave me an extra hour in the morning to arrive in the office, and I would leave the office an hour later (which was fine by me, since I treasured the extended and no-rushed mornings).

As a person, she made sure my mind was in the right place. She made sure to encourage me to create a positive atmosphere for my baby, because as I said above, she told me “they feel it. They feel your emotions. Protect your baby from your negative emotions.” She created an environment in which I could ask her any, ANY topic about pregnancy things — from body transformations, to body fluids, and other tips. She gave me my first cocoa-butter (which she advised me to rub from my 1st trimester — and I finished my pregnancy without 1 single stretch mark; the couple of marks actually came 1 month postpartum… when I had put my guards down, thinking the struggle was over.) She organized and threw me my first baby shower! She gave me baby Josh’s first shower gel (the big size, that lasted 4 months). She gave me my first nursing pads (I didn’t even know what they were for)… These are just half of the things she hooked me up with. Like a sister, as a friend!

The morale of a pregnant woman is so important for the future morale of the baby. With a “Merlyn Calderon-Schultz” in your life, who would help you feel understood, and most importantly will help you express to your baby how much he/she is loved, expected, appreciated before he/she comes, your pregnancy will be a beautiful memory. She was so committed to me that her commitment rolled over after my pregnancy into the first months of maternity. After my delivery, she gave me the most poignant and relevant advice I could receive. I am so thankful for her, not just for what she did to me and Josh; but for how she has transformed my mind in the way I address and interact with pregnant women today. She paid it forward, and I have started paying forward — with one of my house staff who was pregnant (and now is on maternity leave). And I hope with this blog I will help a few pregnant women to know that they are not alone in their experience, and that they should prioritize on some things, and not let others affect them.

Lesson # 9: Pregnancy is not a disease. 

i.o.w. how to refuse to be called : “fatiguee”/ “tired”

The first advice my mom gave me once I announced to her that I was pregnant, was “La grossesse n’est pas une maladie. Etant enceinte tu peux continuer à faire la majorité de ce que tu faisais avant. Le jour avant que je ne t’accouche, je suis sortie du bureau à 17h, et à 5h tu étais né. ”

 “Pregnancy is not a disease. While pregnant you can continue doing the majority of what you did before. The day before I gave birth to you, I ended work at 5pm, and you were born at 5am.”

That’s the mindset that shaped my pregnancy.

6.5 months (Sept. 2015)  at Goree Island, Senegal

Granted, I know some women have difficult pregnancy, really difficult ones actually. I also know many women who let themselves be over-tired, over-sick and over-lazy. It’s not a disease, woman! During my pregnancy I grabbed the opportunity of flying out of the country, at 2 months, 4 months, and 6.5 months. I worked at the same pace I usually did, sometimes even more — helped by the brain alertness that my magnesium supplements gave me. I went on dates with hubby. I did not even think for 2 seconds that my pregnant condition was a hamper to anything. — The postpartum phase though, was more constraining, to me, than the entire pregnancy. (Read the last point, #10 below)

6.5 months (Sept. 2015)  at Goree Island, Senegal

 The thing that surprised me was around 7 months pregnant — I was still feeling so energized and comfortable — and a taxi driver addressed me as “Fatiguée” // “tired” I responded simply to clarify gently “je ne suis pas fatigue” (I’m not tired). At that moment, I did not connect the fact that he was calling me (not asking me if I was) “tired.” It only clicked when I took my maternity leave, and I was more on the ground, in the streets, purchasing last minute things for the baby. That’s when, from left to right, people would call me “fatiguée, fatiguée, fatiguée!”After explaining to the first 3 to 4 people that I actually wasn’t fatigué, my friend told me, “don’t you know that’s how they call pregnant women in Cameroon?” I chose not to start a debate on this one. But I thought, I will never answer when I ‘m called that way. Why should we use such a dis-empowering adjective to describe these bearers-of-life who can be called in so many other uplifting ways: “Phenomenale” “Glorieuse” “Beaute” “Admirable” “Racine” “Sublime” “Maman” “Protectrice” “Co-creatrice” “Jolie” “amour”?

Lesson # 10: Please, my dear first time mommas, please my dear sisters: Think about the 1st 3 months after birth as your 4th trimester; 

i.o.w. how to not be so blinded by pregnancy and delivery that you forget the gargantuan life change right after that.

One of my biggest #LessonLearned from my pregnancy, delivery, and new motherhood is the realization that I had no clue what was coming after my delivery.

In theory, throughout the 8.5 months of my pregnancy, I knew I was going to give birth. I was waiting for my baby. I knew I would be a parent.

In practice also, I had bought all the necessary physical things for the baby’s care, and received twice as much from friends and family.

In reality, however, I was stuck in a bubble of pregnancy, focused solely on the delivery process, and how it will go. Not once, did I internalize the physical, mental, and logistical challenges that would follow my baby’s delivery.

I honestly, was not prepared (and did not think about), nor expect, or think normal the following post pregnancy phases. Since I have written extensively about this phase many times before, I will just give bullet points and highlights: 

i. The level of sleep deprivation I would have during the first 3 months.   ******* I was told during my pregnancy “get ready to never sleep the same again.” Or, “you won’t get enough sleep with new baby.” And while I nodded in approval, I did not expect it to be a drastic change from sleeping 7 to 9 hours per night, to sleeping 3 to 5 hours per night, in 3 intervals of 1 hour to 1.5 hours. ******* I didn’t also think it was normal, that at least half of the mothers in the world go through this phase. Because, how could something this major be unspoken of, in the non-new-mommy world? How did I not know of this? ******* Like I’ve written before, sleep-deprivation leads to all sorts of other dysfunctional attitudes: being cranky, snappy, grumpy, being blah! 

 ii. The amount of times my baby would nurse per day, and the little time in between feedings. ******That was a seriously shocker to me. I didn’t think it was normal, even after I googled it about 5 times. “How would a baby eat for so long (30 minutes) and eat again an hour (or if you are lucky, 1.5 hours) after the end of his last meal?” (I googled it just like that) How could it be normal? I asked all the pregnant women I could think about, and guess what, they all said “yeah... that’s normal!” *******I did not see that coming. I did not. I was fighting that reality. I thought I could modify it somehow. Until I accepted and worked with the time I had at hand. Every two hour, I knew the baby had to be breastfeeding. 

iii. The fact that my appetite while nursing will double that of my pregnant-self. ******When I wondered out loud: “how come I feel hungrier now than during pregnancy?” all the mammas in the room told me “of course you do, you are breastfeeding, it takes energy, and nutrients. You have to eat.”  Uhmmm… why didn’t I know this? That while I would lose my pregnancy fat, there’s another type of fat I would need to battle against, after the nursing phase: breastfeeding fat? 

iv. The baby’s dependence on me, and my limited time to leave the house for more than 2 hours in a row 

******I did not expect, or even think about how the baby, in his early months will be so dependent on me — since I carried his food in me. I did everything so quickly. When I went out of the house, it was for 2 hours max. I would pump at times, but while I was on maternity leave, I chose to maximize breastfeeding over bottle. With that constraint, I had to readjust my mind to have most things come to me: Hair dresser, grocery shopping, co-workers, project-partners, et al.

 v. The shear amount of work it was to take care of a baby around the clock (even when you have help from family during those early days) ******* No additional commentary needed. It is work! 

vi. The depth of pain that I would have when seeing my baby in pain. ******* Those colic, man! Why did I not know about them? For my son, it happened at 3 weeks . He twisted, turned, and screamed. I was taken aback, not knowing what was happening, crying as I was watching him squirming out of pain. Called my mom, who reassured me it’s probably colic, and Gripe water would help. It did help. ******* Same thing happened when he was sick and had to be injected in the hospital, they had to find veins…I actually don’t even want to think about that episode. Only God kept me. Only God’s Holy Spirit fortified me and hubby during the 3 episodes that made us hurry like mad cows, at night time, to the hospital. I will always remember the 1 week I spent in the hospital with my baby, when he was 5 weeks old and had candida bacteria infection. During that week, I slept on average 3 hours per night, broken down in portions of 45 minutes. Because my baby was too weak to eat much at once, he would wake up, eat for 10 minutes, then sleep for 40 minutes; wake up again, eat for 5 minutes, then sleep for an hour; do that till morning time, for 5 solid days before he started feeling much better. ******* Long story short, new mammas: get ready to tear up inside during hospital visits, vaccinations, and all those shots during the baby’s first 3 months. 

vii. The reality that my hubby could only do as much, and that I should not lash out at him for not being as 100% involved and as alert as I, the mother. *******While Charlie would help with making the bay burp after meals, or rocking him to sleep, I used to be angry that Charlie could sleep through the night when the baby would cry at night. I used to be bitter that with my sleep deprivation, exhaustion, I still had to be the one to nurse the baby (who would!? Lol), comfort him, wake up at night, not have a good extended break. But my Merlyn Calderon-Schultz sent me an inbox via Facebook, during that first week, as if she knew what was cooking, she told me “appreciate your husband. Appreciate what he does. He doesn’t have the natural food for the baby, so he can’t do as much as you. Make sure you don’t put your stress on him.” — During that week I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing. It took me 3 weeks, to understand Merlyn’s point. It wasn’t Charlie’s fault. It was my role at that point. He did what he could do at that point. 

viii. The tirednesss! The exhaustion. The withering of your mind and body. *******I could actually write this point over and over. The tiredness! That tiredness! You end up just “Functioning” for those first weeks. I tell you, I don’t even know how to describe that level of tiredness. 

ix. The quick growth of the baby! ******** The newborn phase are 3 months that seem so long and interminable, but after that, it truly gets better. Starting around the 2nd month for me, it got better. I remember the 2nd week postpartum, I wrote messages to 4 young moms, asking them if most of the points above were normal. They would tell me something around the lines of, “Yup! We went through that, but it will get better.” Most moms would tell me, “don’t worry. Brace yourself. Just function. It will get better!” I probably didn’t believe them during those early weeks, I thought, do moms around the world really go through this? How did I not know about this? Will I ever sleep again? Will I ever take a long shower again? Will I ever listen to music with earphones plugged in my ears? Why can’t I just have 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep? Well guess what? It does get better. It really does. 6 months postpartum, my baby sleeps through the night, from 7pm to 6am, with one breastfeeding at midnight (while he is sleeping). He started this cycle 2 weeks ago, when his teeth started appearing (don’t know if it’s connected). I have been sleeping at least 6 hours per night. Now that he eats formula and solids, he eats every 4 hours. And take 2 hour naps (compared to the 10–30 minutes naps he was taking from 4 to 6 months — during the sleep schedule change). It gets better, with sleep deprivation. I hear the challenges of chasing after a walking baby, who is resolute on putting everything he discovers and holds in his mouth, is another ball game. Bring it on! 

x . The strength of my love and relationship with God just magnified during this period as I was totally weak and powerless. *******You think you love God, you think you need God, you think you rely on God until you have a life in your hands for which you are willing to give yourself away, to preserve him, to protect him, to nurture him. God kept me. God Kept us. In the span of 15 months, I have seen and experienced an accumulation of God’s hand, His signs, and His Holy Spirit working in our lives. I am glad that coming of Baby Josh drew me and Charlie even closer to God, and that Joshua is (like his Biblical namesake) bringing us to the land flowing with milk and honey. As it is said in Psalm 127 :3 (KJV) — “Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.” And when you declare on your child that he is a blessing of God, and as it is written in Proverb 10:22 (NLV) “ The good that comes from the Lord makes one rich, and He adds no sorrow to it.”

I have learned that standing on the word of God, and speaking its truths on my child’s life, has not only given me a solid reassurance and peace; but those words are seeds for my child’s positive and great future.

I’ll conclude with this piece of advice to the women pregnant for the first time:

Sister, please try to psychologically integrate the first 3 months of mommyhood in your pregnancy plan, as the 4th trimester. Be conscious of it. If possible, get exposed to it (via someone else’s child — I know it would have helped me tremendously to have been exposed to a newborn, for a few days). Prepare for it. And Surrender it to God. Don’t fight the reality of those first weeks. Accept it. Surrender to it. Make it your new way of life (at least for 6 months), not the other way. Scratch the idea of the normal routine you had before. One thing that took me time to acknowledge and accept is that during the baby’s newborn phase, it’s not the baby that has to fit into my usual self/schedule/plans; it is I who has to fit into the baby’s routine. Once I did that, I felt a lot of the weight, confusion and frustration lifted off my mind and shoulders.

In the hope this write up, disguised as a “top-10 list, within a top-ten list” will help some mamma, dadda, or friend reading this, I wish you — yes YOU — who finished reading this, an enriching and enjoyable experience with pregnancy, motherhood, or parenthood.

You are blessed!