#19 - April T.R.Es - I've become local, unpublished TRE, unprecedented busy-ness, Missing my trip to the US, tear!tear!, Ray of sunshine.

It’s been a while since I published a blogpost. You can tell this Cameroon is kinda weighing down on me oh! Yeah, you start realizing u’ve become local when, among other things: ur daily observations decrease; you stop taking pictures of everything every ten minutes; you start shaking your head at remarks on Cameroon made my Cameroonians abroad; u start rationalizing and brushing off some of the mundane yet outrageous conducts like a policeman begging for a bribe; and you start tolerating and even making sense of the president in power for 27 years (talk abouk becoming local!) .

I’m observing myself, and witnessing the changes in my habits and way of thinking… through my experiences thus far, unpredictable setbacks, and incredible people I’ve met, I believe I have a certain grasp of the “unspoken-system-of-how-things-work.” And no anthropology book, or 5 years studies abroad would have enlightened me more about Cameroon’s society, politics and economy,  than the 8 months I’ve spent to-date here. Yup, It’s been 8 months! Time flies...

Yet, as local as I may have become, I would like to think I’ve not lost my critical observation skills –  One month ago I witnessed a cockroach drowning in water in the bathroom sink. I tell you, it was an interestingly troubling and funny sight! I saw the roach in the water fighting for its life, kicking it’s 4 legs to get ontop of the water, but slowly its limbs started getting tired, and finally, it stopped moving: dead! The roach drowned. It was fascinating. I’d never ever thought about the possibility of a roach drowning, u know?  Hehehe… but seriously, I hope my thoughts have not rusted yet; I hope my T.R.Es are still very pertinent and insightful.

 I actually wrote an unpublished blogpost one month ago, during my mini-road trip with dad as we went to Bamendjou, Douala, Buea, Tiko, Dchang,and Yaounde, for six days. I was following his footsteps and shadowing him – Emmanuel Mukam as a civil engineer on his construction sites, or “Monsieur le Maire”/The Mayor celebrating the 25^th anniversary of the ruling party in power, or “Oumbe Sop” cracking jokes with the elites of the village, or simply “Papa” having discussions with his daughter during the 3-to-4hr drive to each town and village . I made lots of observations, recorded some experiences, jotted down some anecdotes and stories told by the elders, and typed it all on my Baby-Oli laptop. Unfortunately, for the 3^rd time in 8^th months, my baby-Oli gave up on me... It has refused to turn on anymore (tear!tear!) – No worries though, I will send it to my aunt’s IT-miracle-maker at CREATIVE Informatique in Douala. Plus, I don’t miss it that much since I’ve hijacked my mom’s ACER pink netbook my sister recently brought back from Paris. It’s newer than baby-Oli, extra light and thin, can fit in any of my hand bags, and even though the battery-life is only 2 hrs, vs my Toshiba baby Oli 8hrs-battery, me likes it!

So, it’s Monday evening, I just came back from a loooong day. I’m physically drained. I tell u, the busy-ness of my schedule for the past two weeks is unprecedented. I’ve never had my schedule so packed back-to-back every single day, from 9am to 9pm (4 days out of 5 last week) to 11pm sometimes, but no earlier than 7pm. You can imagine! But it’s worth it, and I actually enjoy it! U know, being in the midst of action, being a key actor in your field, networking with like-minded people and movers-and-shakers, negotiating and eventually securing partnerships, following-up with people… It’s truly exciting!

For these past 2 weeks though my family has stated quite often that I’m absent/unreachable. Mom jokingly told dad “it’s easier to get an appointment with Chantal Biya than with your daughter”, and when I told my sister in France I missed her, she was like “Yeah right! Oli,u r too busy to miss anyone!” lol. Both comments have some parcels of truth to them; I have to say though, It’s just a temporary state of busy-ness. 

This extremely busy schedule seemed to have happened after I missed my 2weeks trip to the US. That was 2 weeks ago, I was supposed to attend the third annual Harambe Bretton Woods Symposium, in New Hampshire. I was planning to spend 2 weeks in the US to refuel myself with my Harambe collegues, and visit my friends. But, as fate wanted it, all the signs in the world showed me the trip was not for me at that time ( today, I look back the last 2 weeks, and I understand why it was imperative I be in Kmer during that period – there’s A LOT of concrete actions and promising partnerships I’ve established). Back to the day of my trip: with extremely un-collaborative Ethiopian Airlines agents (in Douala), I missed my flight right there, one hour before the flight, 15 mins away from the plane… I tell you, if it wasn’t the Christ in me, I’d be still cursing them by now!

Long stories short, I cried all weekend as I was thinking of my friends and collegues up in Mount Washington resort, meeting with the Kennedy School of Government folks, and interacting with the brightest minds of Africa who travelled from all over the world (Asia, Europe, Africa…) for the symposium. I tell you, that weekend, I was just passionately depressed (That’s the thing with scorpios, we do everything with passion, even depression). I was frustrated against the world, asking papa God “why? Why? Did you send me all thoz signs to stay here, I only wanted to go for 2 weeks!”  I knew, however, I had to obediently, even if reluctantly, let God’s Will be done! But, my! I cried all Friday afternoon on the 3 hours bus from Douala back to Yaounde. Upon arrival, I locked myself in my room and cried while watching movies. On Saturday I didn’t let go of the sadness. I kept feeding myself with things to cry about, stopping myself from counting my blessings…you know how when u get depressed it’s so addictive you just want to add up all the sad things in ur life? I was thinking of work, and projects, and things not working out perfectly my way, and people not fully grasping the impact of my endeavor… I was just burnt out! At the same time, I was scared to take a break (a day or 2 off) cuz it might affect my productivity and the things I need to do within certain deadlines...In short, I was both stressing and depressing… hehehehe…. I’m laughing now , of course.

The reason I’m elaborating on my quasi-depression is because I know many of us – friends, sisters, brothers, mothers, dads, best friends - go thru these blues moments in our lives. Everyone goes thru it. It’s a weekly thing for some, seasonal for others, and annual for other ones. Just like the law of nature wants a plant to grow with both sunshine and rain; so it is for human beings. If a plant only has sunshine in its life, it will dry to death; if it only has rain, it will soak to death. Similarly, with human it takes both the sunshine and rain in our lives for us to grow.  And during the rainy days of our lives, we often don’t feel like snapping out of our often self-inflicted blues. We just want to feed ourselves with all the problems we have. We might not feel like listening to anything that might cheer us up, or make us question our sadness, we just want the rain to keep pouring on us… But in order to see the sunshine again, we need a ray of sunshine in our lives.

That ray of sunshine you will need when you are soaked in the rain is the person you will need to uplift you. Don’t confuse this person with the one who would just throw clichés at you e.g.”When one door closes, another opens.” Or, “Cheer up, everything happens for a reason!” or (in cases of breakups) “there are plenty other fishes in the seas.” Those statements for me are so annoying and pointless when I’m sad! The clichés simply do not suffice to cheer up someone who is down. What the person needs is a ray of sunshine, i.e Someone who would see u, where you are coming from, and understand the pain/sadness you are going through; will not promise you to fix your situation, nor give you an instant cure, but will work with u one step at a time to get you out of gloominess or situation.  Ur ray of sunshine will take more than 5 minutes of his/her time to speak to you, or write to you; be the listening ear you need, or the shoulder to cry on. In short, the person is there and present for you, and shows some genuine care. That’s who you need during your rainy days; and who you need to be, for someone during his/her rainy days. Talk with them, care for them and pray for them.

I’m thankful to God for bringing such marvelous people in my life. You know urselves – each one of you who have seen me in my rock-bottom and has helped me get through it, you are my ray of sunshine. Confidently know that I love you dearly! I hope I am, and I try to be, a ray of sunshine in each one of your lives.

Speaking of sunshine, Lina Kacyem, my sister from another mother and father (who are my other parents), facebooked me that weekend, with the mission to cheer me up. Trust me, she’s a pro!  She must make a career out of it. Really! She understood exactly where I was coming from, and gave me some advice I’d like to share here with you all. (I’ve skipped the before and after the advice, because there are more personal stuff). But with these advices below, I think some might relate to it and find it inspiring for themselves:

1. When success belongs to you, you do not belong to yourself anymore... That is so true for people like us. Our heads are always spining, thinking, calculating. Our souls and spirits are always making sacrifices and do wat we hav to do, never wat we want to do. Our luck is dat: doz things dat we hav to do are soooo positively correlated wit wat we want to achieve. But comes the day wen wat we want to do is not really with wat we dream to acomplish. Does it go in oposite ways? not necessarily, but for some reason doesnt match; which is why you are feelin like dat right now. It's hard to always think and dream and act on wat we want the future to look like. But dats who we are, and dats the hardest thing to be. why? becoz success belongs to us so.. we dont belong to ourselves anymore.. we belong to those achievemnts, dreams and so on. Now do we get tired? of course! pissed? hell yeah! do we want a break from time to time? hey! even God chose a day to get a freakin break! so yeah, days like these are ok hon.... Listen, enjoy the pain, yes I said it, enjoy the pain. Tomorrow, as a better day comes, you will put this day behind, you may still feel like you lost some time and opportunity, but remember, the peace of heart and mind i priceless ;) SOmething better will come by, dats why success belongs to you

2.People will never understand the extend of your vision, will never feel the breath of your passion... they are not you, … Also, priorities are different from people to people. Looking at wat you do, if I had any type of power, I will jump on my chair and make sure you get wat you need, because I understand wat you are doing... They don't. Le rest du monde nou voi com perdu and hopeless. They see themselves e le pays like a river going thru the ocean, meanin it will always be dat way, nothin will even change. We see it our oh so beautiful country as helpless, and we hav sworn to ourselves and to God, and we will help it get its pride and shine back. On that note, I will tell you wat my Dad always says when I asked him how does it do it: "one day at a time Lina, mai ce ki es sur, avc le tps jai apri a ne focus k ce ki me donn le sourir, si tu tamuz a regarder ce ki te donn les mo de tete ou les peine de coeur, tu va mourir avan le tps. Donc a chak momn sa peine, et surtt une bataill perdue ojourd8, es un loportunite dameliorer sa tactik pr la bataille de demain" I actually just copied and pasted this, it represents the world to me. I must say I admire you for wat you are doin, because I know.. I know how hard it is, but I am soooo proud of you!

Lina told me more of sweet and uplifting things, and it helped get me back on track. After a weekend of crying, on MondayI was ready for the new week. I often joke with my friends, that "Resilience" is my second name. It's not a choice really, we have to snap-back from situations, we just have to keep moving, keep pushing and persevering till we see the fruits of our labor and expectations.  

I'll leave it at that for today. will try to post more often, there's so much more to share with you all: The Handicap's day I just attended in the village this weekend, the Harambe-Cameroon orientation coming up, new partnerships, kmer stories and experiences, favorite quotes... there are more Thoughts, Refelctions and experiences, on their way... In the mean time enjoy what you have. 

*Keep loving, Keep giving, Keep Blessing* - Oli 

(I noticed practically every blogger has a specific signature, like DulceCamer is "stay sweet"; others it's "stay blessed"; Bayangi gurl is "fufu&eru" (hahahah! she was trying to find a signature - she's so funny, checkout her blog too). So that's my signature above. x )